Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Life Lessons

  • Wear a pad when jumping on a trampoline any time after birthing a human baby
  • Wear a pad when coughing, sneezing, laughing, running.... Oh hell, if you pushed a human outta your vag you need to wear a pad. Every. Single. Day.
  • Helmets prevent brain injuries - not pain. Headstones+head (even with a helmet)=Advil city
  • Tissues don't make good fake boobs. You look all lumpy. Stop it. Invest in some cutlets for Christ sake
  • Wearing an evening gown to fill out a job application isn't what they meant when they said to dress for success.... Unless you are applying to be a princess, you just look ridiculous
  • Rolling off the side of a trampoline when a bunch of kids are jumping on it is a bad idea. The springs will bite your nipple. It doesn't matter how padded your bra is, it will get bit, and it will hurt
  • When riding in a wheelchair being pulled by a 4wheeler in a yard, it is in your best interest to let go of the rope if the wheelchair suddenly stops moving. Your ass will thank you for this
  • After having a surgical procedure that leaves a scar resembling rail road tracks on your ass crack, thongs will become a thing of the past... There is not enough lotion or powder to make them not painful
  • People that can crack their toes are freaks... Yes dear daughter of mine this means you. FREAK
  • Cats don't like it when you dress them up
  • If your vagina is trying to eat your shorts it's time to buy a bigger size
  • If you pee your pants while climbing a mountain, just pretend to fall in the closest puddle
  • Just because you are amazed that your uterus left a heart shape in your panties doesn't mean your friends will be amazed too. You probably shouldn't send them pictures
  • Holding your finger on a bug zapper until it hurts is not the best idea, by the time you realize it hurts, you probably wont be able to feel your elbow.
  • Pushing someone else's face into the bug zapper on the other hand, is friggin hysterical
  • Someone who has a skin sensitivity to band aids and adhesives shouldn't stick star stickers on their forehead
  • Homemade Indian Ink tattoos will have you convinced that you have skin cancer until you remember that it's a freaking homemade Indian Ink tattoo
  • Asking hippies at a music festival if they have heard the good word while stuffing a bible in their face is definitely the quickest way to piss off that peace and love group. Be prepared to run
  • It's okay to share the homemade moon shine with Ted. He may look questionable but man his stuff is good
  • You don't have to eat drink? all of the jello shots that someone gives you
  • Leave giving your dog a hair cut to the professionals, that's their job, not yours
  • If your neighbor offers you a ride in their wheelbarrow, say no. They don't have good intentions
  • Putting your bare ass in a flaming picture frame is a pretty good way to singe your butt hairs
  • Glow sticks in your wine bottle is a genius way to not lose that mofo in the dark
  • Glow stick innards painted on your body will give you a rash
  • When you are running the bases at Fenway with your baseball obsessed child, don't skip, or dance. Your kid will get pissed
  • Once your kids start talking you can't blame your farts on them. They will call you out, fast. Just own it. Everybody farts, or blame your dog
  • The cows don't want to kiss you, they want to eat your face

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