Monday, August 5, 2013


Seriously, It is rough being me, and having to always be the sensible person in every relationship.... Below is a legit email I had to send out today. For legal reasons (if she decides not to heed my advice) all names have been changed.
Dear Blank (I'm not good at making up names)

Please, I beg of you, Don’t kill your husband this evening. I know how tempting it is to commit such an act but I have thought about it and compiled a list of consequences to such a behavior:

1.      You will end up in jail

a.      And while you look nice in some orange, I’m not entirely sure you could pull off head to toe orange

2.      The shoes are U.G.L.Y.

3.      Lifetime will make a horrendous made for TV movie about your case painting you as the A-hole

4.      Your No Name Child (Again....No good at names) will wind up in foster care. Do you know what happens to foster care kids? No? Let me tell you:

a.      He will feel unloved

b.      He will go looking for love in all the wrong places

                                                    i.     This will lead him to join a gang

c.      He will have to wear ugly colors in this gang

d.      He will get a tattoo of his gang name on his knuckles

e.      He is going to end up on Channel 6’s Perp Patrol

f.       Lifetime will make a horrendous made for TV movie about his life, again painting you as the A- hole

I also have a list of alternatives for you as well:

1.      Stab him in the leg with a spork (I have one if you need to borrow it)

2.      Tie ribbons on his deer head’s antlers. Nothing says “Do what I say, or the deer gets it quite like ribbons on antlers”

3.      Tie dye all his hunting clothes pink

4.      Change his ringback tone to I’m sexy and I know it and set it so it only goes off like that when his boss calls.

5.      Make him unfriend Fly 92 on Facebook

Have a SUPER unkilly night!!!!
Do you see what I have to put up with???? This is my life right here. I swear I feel like that Lucy Bitch in Charlie Brown with the damn Psychiatry sign over her head, only no one is giving this bitch five cents..... I want my 5 cents damn it!!!!
Now I see you nodding your head and the lightbulb going off all like so this is why she drinks! Well, you're wrong. I drink because my friggin father can't manage to pee in the toilet. I drink because my son is convinced that cleaning his room will induce a terminal disease. I drink because my daughter absolutely can not under any circumstances sit the fuck still and bounces, and flips all over the damn place. I drink because my cat pukes up her hair every where and apparently I am the only one who can see it. I drink because my husband makes me watch Ancient Aliens with him.
Holy Shit.....
This. Lots and Lots of this.......

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