Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Life Lessons

  • Wear a pad when jumping on a trampoline any time after birthing a human baby
  • Wear a pad when coughing, sneezing, laughing, running.... Oh hell, if you pushed a human outta your vag you need to wear a pad. Every. Single. Day.
  • Helmets prevent brain injuries - not pain. Headstones+head (even with a helmet)=Advil city
  • Tissues don't make good fake boobs. You look all lumpy. Stop it. Invest in some cutlets for Christ sake
  • Wearing an evening gown to fill out a job application isn't what they meant when they said to dress for success.... Unless you are applying to be a princess, you just look ridiculous
  • Rolling off the side of a trampoline when a bunch of kids are jumping on it is a bad idea. The springs will bite your nipple. It doesn't matter how padded your bra is, it will get bit, and it will hurt
  • When riding in a wheelchair being pulled by a 4wheeler in a yard, it is in your best interest to let go of the rope if the wheelchair suddenly stops moving. Your ass will thank you for this
  • After having a surgical procedure that leaves a scar resembling rail road tracks on your ass crack, thongs will become a thing of the past... There is not enough lotion or powder to make them not painful
  • People that can crack their toes are freaks... Yes dear daughter of mine this means you. FREAK
  • Cats don't like it when you dress them up
  • If your vagina is trying to eat your shorts it's time to buy a bigger size
  • If you pee your pants while climbing a mountain, just pretend to fall in the closest puddle
  • Just because you are amazed that your uterus left a heart shape in your panties doesn't mean your friends will be amazed too. You probably shouldn't send them pictures
  • Holding your finger on a bug zapper until it hurts is not the best idea, by the time you realize it hurts, you probably wont be able to feel your elbow.
  • Pushing someone else's face into the bug zapper on the other hand, is friggin hysterical
  • Someone who has a skin sensitivity to band aids and adhesives shouldn't stick star stickers on their forehead
  • Homemade Indian Ink tattoos will have you convinced that you have skin cancer until you remember that it's a freaking homemade Indian Ink tattoo
  • Asking hippies at a music festival if they have heard the good word while stuffing a bible in their face is definitely the quickest way to piss off that peace and love group. Be prepared to run
  • It's okay to share the homemade moon shine with Ted. He may look questionable but man his stuff is good
  • You don't have to eat drink? all of the jello shots that someone gives you
  • Leave giving your dog a hair cut to the professionals, that's their job, not yours
  • If your neighbor offers you a ride in their wheelbarrow, say no. They don't have good intentions
  • Putting your bare ass in a flaming picture frame is a pretty good way to singe your butt hairs
  • Glow sticks in your wine bottle is a genius way to not lose that mofo in the dark
  • Glow stick innards painted on your body will give you a rash
  • When you are running the bases at Fenway with your baseball obsessed child, don't skip, or dance. Your kid will get pissed
  • Once your kids start talking you can't blame your farts on them. They will call you out, fast. Just own it. Everybody farts, or blame your dog
  • The cows don't want to kiss you, they want to eat your face

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Yeah, I'm a Blockhead

New Kids are coming! New Kids are coming!!!!!!! In 2 days the Gods of all things Boy Band will be here in Albany. To say I am excited is a mild understatement, I haven't actually moved on from them, and though I was closet listening to them and watching their videos in high school, I am an out and proud Block Head now! I thank my friend Liz for helping me out of the New Kids closet, we met in 2007,2008? something like that at work, and one day while kids were napping she let it slip that she still loved my guys... Oh Mylanta!!!!! I just met my new BFF!!

In 2008 NKOTB were going to perform together FIRST time in forever there was no way in hell I was going to miss this, and now I actually had someone who was just as ridiculous as me to hop on a train and stand all night on a street corner in NYC to catch a glimpse of all that awesomeness! I have been sworn to secrecy some of, okay most of the events of that night but let me just say this... Blockheads are some of the coolest chicks you will ever meet except that one super douche. We actually made a few new buds that night. That was also the year that we headed down to Long Island to see them only to have them add a tour date to SPAC, so we had to go again.

Fast forward to 2009, and they were doing the Today Show again! Liz was being lame and decided having a job and being responsible were more important than seeing Jesus Joey and the guys again, so I had to manipulate and drug my sister to go with me. Dear lord, it rained all night, but we met some pretty cool chicks and built a tent out of chairs, painters tarps, umbrellas, and gorilla tape...Who says I wouldn't last in the wild? Despite the rain the night was fun, we laughed, told stories, and just generally acted like 12 year old A-holes. It was magical.... Then it happened, The guys came out to see us! I met and hugged Joey, and Danny, and Donnie.....Phew I think I'm having a hot flash. There is and absolutely horrid picture floating around of me hugging the J-man... In my mind it was story book beautiful, in reality I looked like I was about to drop a huge duce. Again, magical.....Until some twatwaffle started acting like an A-hole of epic proportions. I am not even exaggerating, my sister who I had doped up on Xanax even lost her shit. And when I say she lost her shit, I mean she lost her SHIT and the twatwaffle skank lost feeling in her leg, and I lost my umbrella. Note to self, make sure sister is drugged up on something way stronger that Xanax before putting her in a situation like that again, or at least bring bail money so I don't have to flee a potential crime seen leaving the faja's chair and my umbrella behind.

So back to my original point, the New Kids are coming back to town in just a few days and my lazy, broke ass hasn't gotten my damn ticket yet. See these damn kids have freaking bled me dry this summer, with all their "But it's summer and I want to have fun" bullshit. Between camps, clinics, and daytrips for the little life suckers I have spent pretty much everything I have. Thank God for the secret credit card the mister doesn't know exists..... I payed it down enough to be able to go to the concert, I entered multiple concerts to win tickets, but no luck there so This is where I need your advice... Do I fly solo and go for the great seat, and pray the peeps next to me know how to have a good time? OR do I get the cheaper seats and bring the girl with me so I am not that lame ass at a concert alone?

Oh and here is the day I met Jesus...... It was duce inducing......

Friday, July 26, 2013

Road Trippin

Last night I took a little road trip out to New Hampshire just to give my Biffle a hug. She needed a hug, and I am a hugger so it was kind of a no brainer. Here are a few things that happened on my drive through no-man's land last night:
  • The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lost their beloved leader Splinter. I may have ran him over.... Don't worry though, I stopped and appologized before I flung him to the side of the road with a stick.
  • Vermont mountain roads are stupid.... What is the deal with having 2 lanes for 22.4 seconds only to go back to one lane and then 6 minutes later have 2 again? I just don't get it, and it is annoying.
  • Even when no other freaking radio station comes in, you can always, always find that damn put you to sleep or scare you awake classical channel
  • That one gas station that has the lit up open sign on..... Not open. But feel free to go around to the back of the building to pee, just bring your own tissues. Don't try to leave your dirty nasty tissue on the ground either, they have a garbage can back there for your convienece.
  • The dude in the Toyota RAV 4 from Jersey is a Doucheknuckle of EPIC proportions......
My trip back in the daylight was even more amazing!
  • There is A WHALE of A Sale garage sale going on today on some backroad that looked pretty sweet. I was going to stop, but there was a clown at the end of the driveway. A CLOWN... Peeps in Vt go all out for garage sales, get on it NY.... Make those garage sales awesomer.
  • I saw the most adorable pink house, I'm pretty sure a super cute old lady lives there alone, I wonder if she would want to adopt me and we could live in our little pink house, and drink tea, and have Whales of Garage Sales????
  • There were 2 super cool looking dirty hippy hitchhikers on the side of the road by a farm stand, I really wanted to pick them up, but there were two of them, and I only have one switchblade spork. As badass as I am I'm not entirely confident that I could take down 2 hippies with one spork. Please let my sister know that she needs to rectify this sitiation and get me a second switchblade spork. STAT. Now I'm sad because I bet they would have had some pretty sweet weed.... Wait????? I don't do that.
  • Goats on a roof. Does this even need anymore explanation??? GOATS ON A ROOF!!!!!! I pulled in to see how thos little mofos got up there, there is like, this whole goat jungle gym climber toy for them to get up there. Goats climb???? The lady at the farm, Joan was super sweet and told me that I could get out and visit the goats, but no sooner did I open my door a fucking chicken went running by! I don't "do" chickens. Ya wanna know what? Joan isn't super sweet, she's a god damn lunatic! Who lets chickens run around the drive way all willy nilly like that? I would have been safer with the hippie!
And you thought New York had a bunch of wierdos..........

Thursday, July 25, 2013

I think I cheated......Twice

Last night I went and saw Bret Michaels Live at the Empire Plaza. Even after all these years that man still gives me such a lady boner. I was dancing, and singing screaming, and jumping around like a 16 year old girl. I learned 2 things last night (Well one thing I already knew, but I keep forgetting)
1. There be some shady bars on the side streets of Albany....Palais Royal...Scary stuff right there. It's completely red in there, even the bathroom has red lights. It was all Red Rum Candy Manish so I bolted, nope I didn't even wash my hands. The Soco and Lime shot was pretty good though.
 2. This is the one I already knew, I am way too old and voluptuous to be jumping around like my ass was last night. Pee dribbled, my knee popped, and I think I broke my back when I jumped up too fast and my boobie tried to sucker punch me in the lip and then flopped back down real fast.

I was one tired mama when I got home last night.... My head has never hit the pillow so hard. Oh wait I am also pretty sure that my boobie punch/flop issue broke my rib, or at least bruised my underboob too. So when I got into bed I put my pillow under my boobie to create a buffer. That's when it happened..... I was thisclose to falling asleep and I felt it, someone was rubbing mah breasteses... I whipped back the blanket and there he was, all smiles, and seductive eyes. I pushed him aside and told him that I am a taken woman so he should probably leave me alone.

Then.... When I was taking a shower this morning it happened again! I felt eyes on me so I pulled back the shower curtain and saw those damn seductive eyes and smile again. WTF dude???? This is getting ridiculous! This time I threw his ass to the floor, ran to my room, and locked the door. I sat on my bed (have I ever told you how much I love my bed? I love my bed!) and cried, I knew that I had to tell my man what happened. I was just afraid of him getting mad at me, or worse yet kicking my newfound stalker's ass (because truth is, I sometimes get a lady boner when I see him too). I looked deep into my love's eyes and told him the whole story, the boob feeling, the watching me in the shower. His eyes lost their twinkle, he asked me if I knew who it was. I did, but telling him was going to hurt him. Bad.

I was backed into a corner, if I told him who the perv really was he would be crushed, but if I didn't, the freak would keep bothering me. It was time. The truth must come out...... I started crying again, he was begging me to just tell him, that he wouldn't do anything stupid. That's when I blurted it out... " It's Fucking Donnie!!!! Joey. He's the one who touched me." Joey's eyes started to fill with tears. His soul was crushed knowing that one of his boy band mates had crossed the line with his woman. When I left for work he was still just sitting there crying, I just hope he can pull his shit together and forgive Donnie before the August 1st concert!
Yes I still sleep on this.....That's why I think it may be partially my fault that Donnie got to my boobage......
Oh and this is probably how he saw me all naked in the shower.......

Oh Joey...... Please forgive me!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I will not suck it up

So what does write about when their brain space is empty????? I'm tellin ya, I got nothing today. I had something yesterday, but it was the boy's birthday so I kind of had to totally wanted to spend every single freaking momnet gushing over his ass, and then I lost it. It just boop...flew out of my head. I really need to start writing shit down somewhere when I think of something. Although, knowing me the way I do I would look at it later and be all What in the hell is that????

I just went and took a smoke break, yeah yeah, smoking is bad. Trust me it would be bad for you if I didn't smoke, it keeps me sane and makes me look all cool and sophisticated. Any who, while I was outside sucking down my cancer stick I was walking in circles thinking what to write about, and considering that I work in Schenectady I did not look out of place at all. That's when it occured to me... I haven't pooped yet today. Of course I didn't, because I haven't eaten yet today. See, I had something important to do today, and with Crohn's, eating before doing something important is like playing Russian Rulette. You may be fine, but you also may wind up doubled over in pain, sweating like crazy, and shitting your pants. Today's important thing was way too important to chance making a bad impression by farting up a storm in some lady's office, so I went on an empty stomach.

Crohn's is a funny little fucker. No two people have the same symptoms and it is way too easy for people to not take it seriously because it is a chronic condition on the inside. So unless shit gets ugly and my meds stop working, and I have to get an ostomy bag you really can't tell by looking at me that I am "sick". I am lucky though, I have the most amazing GI specialist in the whole entire world.... I would so marry him if he wasn't sticking his fingers up peeps A-holes all day. He has given me meds to coat my colon from the top (pills), meds to coat my colon from the bottom (nightly fuck in the ass with an enema), meds to control the ammount of acid that creeps into my throat, meds to help with the inflamation of my colon and joints during a flare, a bunch of supplements, and the meds to counteract the side effects of the fixing meds. I am a fucking walking medicine cabinet. But hey, they are working for now and 9 days out of 10 I feel AWESOME!!!!!

It's the days that I don't feel so awesome that suck DUH..... Not only do I feel like a giant bag of smashed assholes (Thank you for that term Arnold) but those are the days that some peeps decide to be twatwaffles and tell me to just suck it up. Have you ever had food poisoning? Taken an antibiotic too long? Had a nasty stomache-bug? If you have, then you only sorta know what I feel like sometimes, so please do not tell me to suck it up. There are days that my joints hurt so bad that I can't even flip people off. Do not tell me to suck it up. There are also days that I am in the bathroom so much my ass is literally on FIRE. Do not tell me to suck it up. I have lost control of my bowels where I have shit my pants and shit in my brand new bed. Then I had to get my ass up and do laundry. Do not tell me to suck it up.

Like I said Crohn's is a funny little fucker.....But guess what? I am bigger than you Mr. Yousuckfuckingballs Crohn's. You will not beat me. You can knock me down, but I will get back up. I will not suck it the fuck up and give into you. I will fight, bring it. I gots mah spork, and nuttin but time.

This...... I still haven't quite figured this one out yet. Ha ha

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I did it.... I finally MORTIFIED my child

   Don't lie, as a parent it is a goal to one day finally embarrass the shit out of your kids. It means that they are growing up and you are no longer the center of their universe....It's a good thing. Last night it happened, and it happened sooooo good that the boy still isn't talking to me.
   The anniversary of the day he wrecked my vag is tomorrow, and he really, really wanted me to take him to a baseball game. I hate baseball, but I loves me some boy so I agreed to go. So we get there and not only do I have to sit through a fucking baseball game, but it was Star Wars night. Star. Wars. Night! I definitely hate me some Star Wars way more than I hate baseball.
   I am trying to take this new approach on life and shit and make the best of things so this is what happened.......

Yes, I did it. I saved our souls from some Star Wars freak who totally wanted to kill us, I could see it in his freaky deaky eyes. Then a cat with a giant head wearing a shirt tried to eat me so I had to kick his ass too. What kind of cat wears a shirt anyway? Have you ever tried to put a shirt in a cat? Cats don't like shirts, so that thing was a freak of nature and needed to die by light saber. All that hero bravery killing shit made me hungry and by the time I found that pig I was starving so I had to I eat him. And then, I mean come on..... After killings and fresh pig eating who wouldn't want to hump a Storm Trooper?
It was AWESOME!!!! The boy actually apologized to randoms for my behavior.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Twinning: Arnold vs Danny

Have you ever seen the movie Twins starring Arnold and Danny????? You know the one where Arnold is this absolutely amazballs specimen and then there's Danny.....The left over crapola?
Welcome to my life, except that we weren't test tube babies, we're not boys, we look almost exactly alike, and we know who our mom is, and in fact we were a complete accident. Thank you Mom and Dad for not practicing safe sex! Or maybe not, because I got the shit end of that stick.
My sister pretty much has all her shit together, and is a hippy healthy, organic, mostly sane individual (Arnold) then you have me (Danny). I'm all the crap that was left over after her decent into the world through my mom's birth canal. You wouldn't think 4 minutes was enough time to create a human made of left overs, but trust me it was. I was pushed out just to be a spare set of parts for her. Good thing colons, ovaries, uteruses, and skin are not transferable body parts.
Okay, let's be serious for a moment.... I would like to take this time to address all of the questions that we get asked when ever we go out.
Q: Oh my God are you guys twins?
A: No, we just share the same DNA and thought it would be cool to hang out in the same uterus for 9 months. Her dad is from Australia.
Q: What is it like to have a twin sister?
A: Normal, what is it like not to?
Q: Do your husbands ever get you guys mixed up?
A: Oh yeah all the time..... We even have matching vaginas so when the lights are off we like to pull the old switch a vag.
If you have anymore questions on the whole twin thing just ask.... As you can tell we ALWAYS give factual answers.
Yes we look a like, sound a like, have similar tastes in dudes (our hubs are BIFFLES), and even have the same ovarian egg dropping cycle, as evidenced by our boys being 3 days apart.
But we are still so so different:
 She recycles, hugs trees, eats dirt, and tries to see the best in everyone and everything.
I throw away everything, eat processed food, fill my body with multiple chemical medicines, and am an total judgy A-hole.
But in the end she is my other half and she COMPLETES me!!!!!! Now I must step away from this damn thing before I get all lovey and sentimental and shit.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday Night Fucktards

It's Friday!!!! I live in a small ass town with like 3 bars within walking distance (drinking and driving is not my bag) so what is left for a bunch of white trash like me and my peeps to do on a Friday???? Set shit on fire and celebrate with a vodker and what ever else liquid is in the house cocktail. Tonight's concoction will be orange vodker and Gatorade.... Gottsta keep those electrolytes up when it's this fucking hot. Friday night fires at my house have been dubbed Cop Hut night because in the beginning before we all became functioning alcoholics  learned to drink in moderation the night usually had a visit from Sco-Towns finest. We've gotten better with that but the name still stuck.
I'm not entirely sure just what tonight will bring, last week involved me on a roof and drilling a hole in toilet paper....Yes that really did happen. I do have a sharpie on hand so here's hoping I get to draw a mustache on someone's face. My spork is also always at the ready in case any shit goes down. Who knows, maybe I'll dry hump the neighbor, or my dog, or turn into a drunken zombie and then dry hump my dog....The possibilities are endless.
Cheers Bitches! Happy Fucking Friday!

It's the hottest day of the year so I am going to start blogging!

 It's just as moist and hot out today as Satan's underballs, so I said to myself.... "Self, you need to start a blog. It's too shitty out there to do anything else."
And looky that I listened to myself and here we are!!!!
I suppose you want to know just who the hell this bitch is, so I shall do you the honor and let you know. Here's mah story......
Just a small town girl..... Oh shit that's Journey's story, Damn it!
Okay here's the real rundown:
Age: 33
Marital Status: Married way too freaking long to some dude
Number of humans that slid out of your nether regions: 2, a boy and a girl. And a Faja, I am aware that he didn't pop outta my vag, but he is child like so I am changing my answer to 3. Don't like it??? Tough shit I don't necessarily like it either.
Any Furbabies: Yup.
Hometown: Sco-Town Baby!!!
Diseases/Chronic Conditions: Crohn's.... Yup, plan on reading all about my ass, it's fun I promise!
What is this blog about: All the things I love/hate/semi-like..... Poop, my kids, the mister, the faja, my dog, the spider pube lady in Vale park.... You know, my life.

I hope you enjoy this..... Say you do and I will be your friend! I may even let you hold my spork....