Thursday, August 22, 2013

Since I'm going to Hell anyway.....

Boredom makes me play on the interwebs all day. I bounce from site to site just amusing myself. Today, I landed on Urban Dictionary. How have I never played in this amazing internets playground before???? I am pretty disappointed that peeps have kept this a secret from me. I know that my friend used it once when we were debating the meaning of the word chode (a ding dong wider than long), but come the fuck on…. I feel like I have been cheated here, and now I’m all pissy and butt hurt about it. Now, we all know what happens when I’m butt hurt over something…. (Ahem getting shot in the ass and lied to about it, Arnold and Da Wif!!!!) I dwell on it, but with all this trying to “Save” me nonsense going on today, I am going to try to turn a new leaf. I am going to just let it go, I’d say let it go and give it to God, or Jesus, or whatever is up there peepin on us at all hours, but I’m not. I’m going to let it go and give it to you. You’re welcome. Here are a few of my fav’s that I call people on the regular that I Urban Dictionaried today…

Twat Waffle: A vagina that is so shriveled up that it looks like a defrosted waffle.

Jo went down on Mary and thought he was eating breakfast.


Douche Knuckle: Noun: Doosh Nuck-le A person who attends a party and then steals beer from the host while leaving.

Tony: Hey man Tap is such a Douche Knuckle!
Adam: Why do you say that?
Tony: That Douche Knuckle stole a twelve pack of Yuengling from my porch at 3:00 AM on New Years Eve.
Adam: Wow... Really? Did he ask anyone first?
Tony: Nah... That is the fucked up thing, all that Douche Knuckle had to do was ask and I would have given him the damn beer.
Adam: Wow, he really is a Douche Knuckle.


Dillhole: Originally used on the TV series Beavis and Butthead, presumably because you can't say dickhole on TV.

A mild insult.

Get away from me, you dillhole!


Touch Hole: A tool, a knob, a jerk-off. More than a dork, but not quite a douchebag.

"Tom, stop being such a touch hole, Bellingham is right near Rhode Island and you know it."

"I just spent the whole day with that guy at the football game and the goddamn touch hole wouldn't stop talking about how good the Kansas City Chiefs were for even a minute."


Some of these words I kind of already knew the semi definition when I was name calling, but Douche Knuckle, really???? When I call someone a DK it’s not because they are beer stealers. Beer stealers are just Douche Bags, the Knuckle adds a whole new level of Douchery. To me a Douche Knuckle would be the kind of person that plays Christian Rock in your ear all friggin day, and tell you that applying certain bible passages will ensure your entry into Heaven. Yup, that’s a Douche Knuckle…. A Douche Knuckle that I want to shove my spork so deep into their freaking butthole right now.
I'm not sure if everyone is aware or not, but I really had no plans to spend all of my afterlife roaming around on clouds with some dirty hippy wearing a dress. To me, it just doesn't sound like a fun time. Besides, what if it's cold up there? I'm allergic to the cold remember? Nope, heading way down south the pits of the underworld seems more my speed. It's always warm down there, it's filled with a bunch of degenerates who probably wont care if I shit myself (I think in Heaven you have to wear white. I don't do white, I would stain the shit out of it faster than you can say, St Paul the whatever.) And I'm fairly certain that the alcohol and drugs will be plentiful down there, hell I may even start doing those drugs while I'm down. I mean what's the worst that will happen? A. I am already dead. and 2. I'm in Hell.
Pretty sure it doesn't get much worse than that. Besides most of my friends will be there and I wouldn't want to miss out on that party, so please Dear I'm making it my life's mission to save this abomination, just let it go, and give it to God... I'm good with hell, I promise.



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