Friday, August 16, 2013

Butt problems, pancakes, and girlfriends Oh My

Pretty sure my ADD is kicking in here, because I can't come up with one single thing to write about. I can think of multiple things to write about, but not one single thing to warrant an entire blog post about. It's like there is a thing buffet up there in my noggin and it all looks amazing and I can't pick just one thing so I am going to pick it all, because that's just how I roll.
Thing 1:
I was lucky enough to get to spend a few hours in the emergency room on Wednesday. I started feeling like death on Friday and it just progressively got worse, by Wednesday the boss lady was pretty sure I was dying and didn't want it to happen in the office, because a chalk line of me on the waiting room may be a deterrent for future clients so she made the executive decision that I needed to die somewhere else, and the hospital seemed like a pretty good place. At first everyone was all nicey nicey to me and did their best to make me feel comfortable. They asked the standard Do you feel safe? Homicidal? Suicidal? questions. I answered no to all of them but truthfully I was considering sporking the douche that was in the bed across from me, but being transferred to the crazy ward wasn't in my list of things to do, so I kept my mouth shut. Fast forward a million hours and one CT scan later when PA Jorge returns and says:
"Good news Ms. Clark your appendix are fine. However.... (Oh shit, I'm gonna die????) We asked you upon arrival if you were feeling suicidal, do you have anything you want to tell me?"
 What in the what?!!?!?!? I had lots of things I wanted to tell him, but again the crazy ward was not in the game plan.
 "Ms. Clark, it appears that there are multiple pills sitting in your gut at the moment. Did you swallow a bottle of pills before you came in?"
"Uh no?"
"Are you sure about this"
"Uh, yeah pretty sure I would remember swallowing an entire bottle of pills"
"Well then Ms. Clark, all I can offer you is that it appears as though you have not been digesting your medicines and they are all just sitting in there"
"How many of my medicines are just sitting there?"
"If I had to guess.... Somewhere in the 30 plus range."
"Wait a minute, so you are telling me there are more than 30 pills just sitting there? Like just hanging out."
"Yes Ms. Clark, that is what I am saying. It appears that something is wrong. You should call your Primary tomorrow. Have a good night."
What in the fuck just happened? PA Jorge just vanished, so I went home to pray to Cheesus that my stomach wouldn't explode before I could get to the Doctor the next day.
Good News: It didn't explode. I went and saw my doctor yesterday, and was assured my stomach wouldn't explode and kill me. I have to see a new Crohn's guy because the one I have now just isn't working out, oh and I can have nothing but liquids and crushed pills until my appointment. Yippiefuckingskippy. Want to hear the better news? I blew a bunch of them pill left overs out today! Not sure how many, but hey I'll take what I can get here.
Thing 2:
Were you aware that you can now order bacon stuffed pancakes at Denny's? I said BACONFRIGGINSTUFFEDPANCAKES! As if that wasn't enough you can also have them drizzle peanut butter sauce on top of this pile o' heaven. Yup, this is a real thing peoples you need to get on this. It will change your world, and blow your mind. This is going to be the first thing that I cram in my pie hole as soon as I am given the go ahead to put chew food in my mouth again.
Thing 3:
I need it to be Saturday now. I am over penises and children and need to get the hell out. Happy children are the product of a mother who takes care of herself. It really is okay to go hang out with people your own age and leave them in the more than capable hands of their own father. I mean really, you chose to reproduce with this dude, yet you don't trust his child raising abilities? What do you  think is going to happen while you are gone? They may discover they like dad better than you? Oh the horror!!!! I wish my kids liked the mister better than me sometimes, to go into the bathroom alone because they are up his ass and not mine would be magical. Anywho... On Saturday I am going to hang out with a bunch of really cool chicks and bond over lady things. Yup, that's what we are doing. In no way shape or form are we going to drink until we can't stand, and be loud, and obnoxious. We are not going to bitch about our other halves or our PITA children, or invalid by their own choice (lazy) parents. Nope, none of that is going to happen. Just a few dignified ladies, spending time together to regroup and refocus so we can be the best mothers that their children deserve. Did you but that? I had a really hard time saying that with a straight face. But I need to because that is how I am going to spin it to the mister when he gives me the "You just saw them all last weekend and I want to spend time with you" crap. Not sure if he will buy it or not, but that's what I'm going with. Not like it really matters anyway, I do what I want. Not sure if he even knows how to tell me "no", or if he has just given up trying altogether.
Thing 4:
There is no thing 4. I'm done. Have a superdeefuckingduper weekend!!!!

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