I've been pretty cranky lately. I'm wondering if it's time to reevaluate my current med levels to see if they are in fact keeping my chemicals balanced, or maybe I'm just being an oversensitive twat. Either way, I have encountered quite a few panty stains that I would love nothing more than to cunt punt. Here is my top 10 in no real particular order:
10. The Hungry Hippo at Stewart's every single fucking morning making 2 cups of coffee:
Listen lady, you have been doing this every Monday-Friday for the last 4 years, there is no need to taste test the god damn things. If you haven't figured out the coffee/sugar/creamer ratio by now, then you are beyond stupid, no one can help you, and you need to send whoever cup number 2 is for to make the damn coffee. So move the fuck over and let a bitch make her coffee already.
9. The Asshat at the Sprint Kiosk:
He may look like a dude, but he acts like a bitch. Last time I checked the words coming out of my mouth were plain old English, so when I say No, I have a phone that I am happy with, leave it the fuck alone. Nagging at me like a woman is a sure fire way to get my foot square up in your pooter.
8. The "Homeless" Dude standing in the median by SCCC:
When you ask me for money, and I offer you plenty of resources available to you with in walking distance (You are about 15 feet from the YMCA) and you say Cash is King, the only thing I am capable of replying with is a big fat FUCK YOU! Peeps, I beg of you, do not give this douche knuckle money, he is a scammer.
7. All of the crazy ass Mom bloggers writing open letters to Miley Cyrus:
Dude, she's an adult she can do what ever the hell her little heart desires no matter how jacked up it looks. Stop calling her out saying she has a responsibility to your young daughters to be a role model. No she doesn't, want to know who does have a responsibility to your young daughter? YOU. Period. If you are Mother of the god damn year why in the fuck are you letting your 10 year old daughter watch the MTV Video Music Awards? What do you think happens on shows like that? It's all about shock value A-holes! Put it on GMC if you are looking for wholesome entertainment, not MTV.... Fucking idiots!
6. The Dude with the 132lb ball sack:
I felt bad for you for a minute there guy. But then you started acting like a used wad of toilet paper and I was over it. How in the hell would you even know if your wang dang is smaller post surgery? It has been stuck in your scrotum for years dude. Years! Face it, your 15 minutes are over. Go away.
5. Dave from the Liquor Store:
I get that I am becoming somewhat of a frequent flyer, but come on.... From day fucking one you have yet to ask me for my ID. The sign says if you look under the age of 40 be prepared to show us your ID. Seeing as how you have never asked, I am assuming you think I am over 40. Dave, I hate you. I hope you get genital warts.
4. The Cranky UPS Guy:
Sorry it annoys you that our office is on the 3rd floor, but it's kind of your job to deliver the packages. You really don't need to tell me every time you come here how much you hate delivering to us. I can tell just by your squirrely face. In fact I think you just hate your life, maybe if you weren't such a miserable prick people would be nicer to you. My panties instantly wad up around my nethers every time I see you.
3. All of the Dance Moms:
I admit it, I watch this show every Tuesday. Trust me, I hate myself for it. They sit there bitching and moaning about how terrible Abby is to their kids, yet they continue to bring their kids to her to be verbally abused. I mean she is a great teacher, those kids are amazing dancers but if you hate her that much and are so concerned with the way she treats your kids, and your worried what it is doing to them why in the fuck are you still there??? Oh yeah, attention.
2. Ms. I ate 500 too many Ho Ho's and now I need a mart cart at Walmart:
I'm fat, I own it. It is not a god damn handicap that requires the use of a motorized vehicle to buy your groceries. You are just fucking lazy. And rude too! There is market etiquette that must be followed lest you want someone to punt you in your fat cunt. Stay to the right, get what you need off the shelf and move on. If you run into your mom's aunt's brother's cousin's friend's baby mama's second grade teacher while shopping, for everything holy find an empty space to go and catch up. Right in the middle of the isle is not the place. And for fucks sake put your asshole kid on a fucking leash or leave the fucker at home!
1. The Douche that keeps droppin pubes in the staff bathroom:
Come on!!!! You need to take care of that shit. When you have pubes falling off your vag every time you pop a squat either A. you have way too many pubes. or 2. you have a severe case of vaginal alopecia. Either way it's time to get it under control. And don't try to tell me that you are unaware of your little sitiation.... I have yet to meet anyone who when truly honest doesn't look into the toilet when they are done. Especially a shared toilet in an office. Everyone looks. It's just what you do. You know you just shed a bunch of twat hairs all over the bowl, yet you walked away from it, and left it for someone else to clean up. You are an Asshole of EPIC proportions! I would love to cunt punt you, but then I would get all your pubes stuck up in my toes, and I have no time for that. Instead here is a big fat FUCK YOU!